


the dark arts of curricular kung fu

by bessemerprocess



Category: Colbert Report FPF, Fake News RPF, Pundit & Broadcast Journalist RPF (US)
Genre: Academic Committee Work, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Professors, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-27
Updated: 2018-06-27
Packaged: 2019-05-29 10:33:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15071342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bessemerprocess/pseuds/bessemerprocess
Summary: "Jon, what is that on your plate? Did you go through the 'Food that hates America' line again?" Stephen asked, momentarily distracted from the fact that he's once again driven a TA off."Yes, Stephen, the plantain is out to get us all. Which is why I'm eating it, instead of arming it," Jon says.





	the dark arts of curricular kung fu

**Author's Note:**

> With regards to Alex Small for the title.

Stephen slammed his tray down on the table.

"And this is Dr. Stephen Colbert," Jon said.

The three other people at the table lamely waved, not even bothering to look up from their books.

Stephen throws down a pile of paperwork. "My TA just quit, again!"

"Well, if you didn't constantly belittle them, leave whoopee cushions on their desk chairs and/or contradict widely accepted facts on a daily basis, maybe you could keep a TA for more than a month," Rachel mumbled under her breath.

"Can you two not get in another argument? Who knows how Carell punish us next if you screw this up," Keith hisses.

Stephen Colbert, Ph. D. (Northwestern, American History) and Rachel Maddow Ph. D. (Stanford, Political Science) had run into each other on the quad approximately a week ago. Normally, they would have just inclined their heads at one another and walked on by, but Rachel had made her television debut on the local news the night before, and Stephen had watched it.

"Maddow, right?" Stephen had asked. "I saw you on the news last night. Dr. Stephen Colbert, History Department."

"Uh, yeah, that was me," Rachel had answered, slightly perplexed.

"While I felt you were insightful, you besmirched the name of Nixon, the greatest president American has ever had, and I must now put you on notice."

It all went downhill from there, with Rachel trying to defend herself and reality-based history and Stephen becoming more and more agitated. Which is how Stephen ended up hitting Anderson Cooper, Ph. D. (Yale, Anthropology) square in the face, when he tried to come to the lady's rescue. After Rachel was done yelling at Stephen, she'd turned to Anderson and yelled at him for getting involved in something that wasn't his business. Even worse, the whole thing was caught on tape by a student in a filmography course and had promptly been uploaded to YouTube.

The Dean, Steve Carell, Ph.D (Denison, Art History), had watched the tape three times before deciding on a suitable punishment.

Stephen had been the youngest professor to ever make tenure at Small State U. He'd been considered a conservative prodigy back in those days, when he'd published three best selling history titles back to back. His star had risen even higher after he'd been offered a spot on George W. Bush's History Education Standards committee. He'd turned it down, citing his love of teaching and his attachment to his student, but he'd really been worried about not passing the background check. Afterwards, he'd become more erratic, spouting his oddball theories in class and driving his grad students to distraction. If he hadn't had tenure and a sole supporter, Jon Stewart, Ph. D. (William and Mary, Ancient History), Steve would have found a way to fire him a long time ago.

Rachel was Small State U's newest up and coming star. Young, brash, confident and smarter than everyone else on campus, she had been on three different local magazine covers after her first book had come out two months ago. She was making waves in the political scene, and it was quite possible that they'd lose her to the public policy wonks if tenure didn't come through soon.

Rahm had come up with an excellent compromise. Rachel got tenure and was now co-chair of the Liberal Arts Interdisciplinary Working Group. Stephen Colbert got the other co-chair position. He filled out the rest of the group easily. From History, to keep Colbert under control: Jon Stewart. From Political Science, to do the same for Maddow: Keith Olbermann, Ph. D. (Cornell, Political Science). From Anthropology: Anderson Cooper, in hopes of keeping him the country long enough to teach for an entire semester. And From Sociology: Lewis Black, Ph. D. (University of Chicago, Sociology), who wasn't going to show up at the meeting anyway, but Rahm could always try. Plus, it got rid of the matter of what to do with all whiners who'd been clambering for interdisciplinary degrees for years. Let them deal with crazy program chairs and see if they still wanted to mix and match.

Which was why the five professor were now gathered around a table in the cafeteria. They'd all told Rachel that really, they just weren't free -- so busy, so busy, excuse us -- that she'd finally thrown up her hands hands and said, "Well, you all have to eat! Lunch at the Main Hall cafeteria at noon." Jon had to admit, he did have to eat, even if he would have preferred to be locked into his office with a sandwich and his dog eared copy of Herodotus. He'd brought the book along, though he'd settled for jerk chicken and fried plantains out of the cafeteria line, even though he knew it would earn him a lecture on unAmerican food from Stephen.

"Jon, what is that on your plate. Did you go through the 'Food that hates America' line again?" Stephen asked, momentarily distracted from the fact that he's once again driven a TA off.

"Yes, Stephen, the plantain is out to get us all. Which is why I'm eating it, instead of arming it," Jon says.

"Well, that's all right then," Stephen replies.

"I heard that Anthropology guys get together and eat bugs, just for fun," Keith offered up, hoping to change the subject.

"I don't know what they get up to when I'm off doing research, but as far as I know, there is no bug eating going on. At least, not when we're not in the field," Anderson answered.

"I heard that the Anthropology department eats it's undergrads," Stephen replied.

The Anthro department had a reputation for being a little crazy, which had been cemented at the last interdepartmental paintball game. They'd shown up in camo and body armor with repelling gear. The history profs, who'd all shown up in jeans and scruffy sweatshirts from their alma maters, had tried to surrender on the spot.

"No one eats undergrads," Anderson responded.

"At least not for food," Keith added in sotto.

Anthro also had the unfortunate reputation for playing fast and loose with the rules governing teacher-student relationships. It didn't help that two of them had married grad students for the greencards.

They were also known for throwing the best keggers, and no one ever asked what went on at those parties.

"Anyway," Rachel interrupted, "we're supposed to be having a meeting here. Did anyone even read the proposals the Dean sent over?"

Anderson, Keith and Jon all looked slightly abashed. "No."

"I did," Stephen piped up. "I have to say I find all this interdisciplinary stuff wishy washy and dangerous to our Nation's children. It will lead to confusion and chaos and liberalism. Also, bears."

Rachel rolled her eyes. "Anyone else? Anyone sane, I mean."

Everyone else shook their heads no, and concentrated on eating so they didn’t accidentally volunteer themselves for anything. 

Rachel sighed. This was going to be a long day.


End file.
